I am returning home after working in the Denver office of Toll Bros., assisting with their plot plans & some surveying. I was scheduled to fly back Friday evening but the flight was canceled, delaying my return home until this afternoon. It was this morning that my wife relayed to me the news about my father: the news of his serious stroke and minor heart attack. I had forgotten that nearly twenty years ago he had heart failure due to a faulty valve that was subsequently repaired. That clarifies his occasional expression of "living on borrowed time."
Now with him in the hospital in such a serious condition, I suddenly felt fortunate that I spoke with him on a couple of occasions recently. One of these occasions was to get some details of his life for a school report my daughter was doing. At the time I was a little irritated that she didn't feel like talking to him. Now, however, I'm thankful that I had the time to learn more about his past and his short military career as an aerial photographer. It was one of those blessings you don't see fully at the time, though I wish my daughter could have shared in the blessing too.
The time on the plane home gave me an opportunity to reflect on the positive relationship I have with my father, and the contributions he has made to my growth and success. Following is a letter I wrote on the plane, and hope to deliver to him.
Dear Father,
I want to take this opportunity to tell you that I love you. I also want to tell you why I love you.
In addition to being a father who provided for my needs as a child, you also gave me support and direction when I needed it most. I have looked at you as a friend as much as I have a father. Let me recount some examples.
As my father, you were my friend and protector, keeping me safe from dangers I was unaware of - even saving my life.
As my father, you were always a friend and accepted me while others rejected me. Acceptance that rooted me in self-confidence.
As my father, you were a friend by extending trust and respect to me as a young man. A trust I worked diligently to honor.
As my father, you were a friend and mentor, giving me wise direction when my future seemed uncertain. Direction that I was able to build a family and a future on.
As my father, you were a friend, giving support and understanding when my life was upside down, giving me the courage to try again.
As my father, you gave me a name. A name to honor and pass on.
When I see my father, I don't see his faults, his failures, or his limitations. I see the enthusiasm he puts into everything he does. An enthusiasm I am proud to say continues in me.
One final thing. As a father you gave me an appreciation for your day and age - for your generation, its music, its perspective, and its history. And especially, in the fast pace of my generation, an appreciation for the slower, consistent, and dependable pace of trains. I will never see, hear, or ride one without thinking fondly of you.
My father died a week later. I was unable to get this letter to him in time, but I am confident he knew how I felt. As it turned out my trip home for the funeral was on AmTrak. It wasn't originally planned that way, but the flight I had scheduled to arrive days before the funeral was canceled, and I was unable to get another using my available frequent-flyer miles.
Coincidence? I don't think so.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Journal Entry - 8/22/2008
It's beginning . . .
"It is as if the world we perceive through our senses - that whole gorgeous and terrible pageant - were the breath-thin surface of a bubble, and everything else, inside and outside, is pure radiance. Both suffering and joy come then like a brief reflection, and death like a pin."
Stephen Michell
I discovered today that I am - the other pin.
This awareness arrived on my doorstep today with significant impact, though I am certain it has been building for a very long time. I'm not even certain I can express what has transpired - the darkness and the light - yet I continue to see some synchronicity behind it.
Recently, over the last two weeks, we watched again a movie called The Celestine Prophecy, read the book of the same title, and read the companion book The Tenth Insight. Because the subject of these is spiritual awareness, my mind has been focused on my own spiritual path. I have felt lost spiritually, since I realized I had completed my previous purpose, and I wasn't certain that anything relating to my spiritual growth was in my future. Surprisingly it wasn't this movie or these books alone that served to trigger the recent awareness.
I had finished my work week on Friday morning, taking my turn on third shift for the construction project I was on, and I only slept a few hours after arriving home. I knew my wife was planning to bring us some lunch home after noon, so I decided to preview an "R" rated movie we rented entitled The Life Before Her Eyes. We watch very few movies with this rating, and prefer to preview them before allowing our teens to see them.
The background for this story is the violence of a high school shooting and the affect it had in the lives of two best-friends. But a more subtle, yet primary, element was the near-death experience of one of the two friends. The movie was very well done, and left me impacted emotionally.
I turned the TV off but left the DVD in the player, and decided to spend some time on the computer updating my blog page and responding to emails. I got distracted from the computer after printing out my signature which contains the quote by Stephen Mitchell, and needed to take a bathroom break. During that break I was rereading the quote and thinking about the pin and the purpose it served. At the same time I recalled the premise of love that was the basis for all the spiritual elements and insights from the Celestine Prophecy, and how horribly inadequate and lacking I felt of that key quality - though I've sought to understand and express it in my own life for decades.
Rather than return to the computer, the thought of whether there were any special features on the movie DVD came to mind. I often find these of interest. Seeing the forethought, intention, and effort behind these movies often gives me a greater appreciation for them. I reviewed the list of topics and chose one entitled Beyond and Back. It turned out to be narratives from individuals recalling their near-death experiences. One woman, whose voice was soft and sincere, seemed to affect me the most, and my eyes started to tear up. It wasn't until she described the - infinite unconditional love - that it struck me. I burst out crying uncontrollably.
Though I sensed that my tears were initiated by a lack of, and a deep longing for, that unconditional love, it was soon replaced by another sense. It was a powerful sense of awareness - God-like in nature - but it didn't relate to me in the third person. It related to me in the first person. It was as though God was telling me you don't know who you are, but he was impressing it upon me so that I sensed it as I don't know who I am.
In that moment the doubt and lacking I felt in regards to such love was erased. Though I am uncertain how it will find expression in my life - I know its there.
Also in that moment I realized that I was to be another pin - not the pin of death - by which the bubble is popped and we are able to bridge this life into the radiance surrounding us.
"It is as if the world we perceive through our senses - that whole gorgeous and terrible pageant - were the breath-thin surface of a bubble, and everything else, inside and outside, is pure radiance. Both suffering and joy come then like a brief reflection, and death like a pin."
Stephen Michell
I discovered today that I am - the other pin.
This awareness arrived on my doorstep today with significant impact, though I am certain it has been building for a very long time. I'm not even certain I can express what has transpired - the darkness and the light - yet I continue to see some synchronicity behind it.
Recently, over the last two weeks, we watched again a movie called The Celestine Prophecy, read the book of the same title, and read the companion book The Tenth Insight. Because the subject of these is spiritual awareness, my mind has been focused on my own spiritual path. I have felt lost spiritually, since I realized I had completed my previous purpose, and I wasn't certain that anything relating to my spiritual growth was in my future. Surprisingly it wasn't this movie or these books alone that served to trigger the recent awareness.
I had finished my work week on Friday morning, taking my turn on third shift for the construction project I was on, and I only slept a few hours after arriving home. I knew my wife was planning to bring us some lunch home after noon, so I decided to preview an "R" rated movie we rented entitled The Life Before Her Eyes. We watch very few movies with this rating, and prefer to preview them before allowing our teens to see them.
The background for this story is the violence of a high school shooting and the affect it had in the lives of two best-friends. But a more subtle, yet primary, element was the near-death experience of one of the two friends. The movie was very well done, and left me impacted emotionally.
I turned the TV off but left the DVD in the player, and decided to spend some time on the computer updating my blog page and responding to emails. I got distracted from the computer after printing out my signature which contains the quote by Stephen Mitchell, and needed to take a bathroom break. During that break I was rereading the quote and thinking about the pin and the purpose it served. At the same time I recalled the premise of love that was the basis for all the spiritual elements and insights from the Celestine Prophecy, and how horribly inadequate and lacking I felt of that key quality - though I've sought to understand and express it in my own life for decades.
Rather than return to the computer, the thought of whether there were any special features on the movie DVD came to mind. I often find these of interest. Seeing the forethought, intention, and effort behind these movies often gives me a greater appreciation for them. I reviewed the list of topics and chose one entitled Beyond and Back. It turned out to be narratives from individuals recalling their near-death experiences. One woman, whose voice was soft and sincere, seemed to affect me the most, and my eyes started to tear up. It wasn't until she described the - infinite unconditional love - that it struck me. I burst out crying uncontrollably.
Though I sensed that my tears were initiated by a lack of, and a deep longing for, that unconditional love, it was soon replaced by another sense. It was a powerful sense of awareness - God-like in nature - but it didn't relate to me in the third person. It related to me in the first person. It was as though God was telling me you don't know who you are, but he was impressing it upon me so that I sensed it as I don't know who I am.
In that moment the doubt and lacking I felt in regards to such love was erased. Though I am uncertain how it will find expression in my life - I know its there.
Also in that moment I realized that I was to be another pin - not the pin of death - by which the bubble is popped and we are able to bridge this life into the radiance surrounding us.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Another Pin
To clarify my meaning I must first share what I knew my purpose in life was up to this point in time. I came to the awareness of this specific purpose shortly after my second wife and I were married back in 1988. The process by which I became aware of it was subtle, synchronistic, and spiritual. This only makes sense since the specific purpose itself was spiritual in nature.
As I will explain in more detail later, my family - parents, brothers and sisters - were the bearers of the deeper pain and self-doubt of previous generations. This pain and self-doubt can manifest itself in many negative forms of expression. As I began to see the root and history of these expressions and the crippling affect they had on us all - my vision became all too clear. Break the chain that binds me so the cycle doesn't continue in my children.
Now that our baby is thirteen years old, I am confident that this has been accomplished for our four children and my two older daughters (from my first marriage). And I am thankful to all those who played a part in bringing this process about - and there are many.
Unfortunately, due to let-downs in other areas of my life I failed to fully appreciate that success, and found myself in spiritual limbo - not having a clear vision of purpose. So I clung to the specific purpose every husband & father has - provide for my wife and family. Here to though I was often more aware of my failures than I was of my successes. Admittedly there were times that I felt I was hanging on by the thinnest of threads. And to this day I cannot say for certain what enabled me to endure and continue on. I just remember that I had to keep breathing, keep going, and not give up. It may seem humorous looking at it from the outside, but I recall relating so well to the Tom Hanks movie - Cast Away.
Steadily though things improved over the course of several years. And the restoration of my relationships with my two oldest daughters came to me like an oasis in the deepest desert, and new life returned to my withered soul.
And as the wounds of the past continued to heal it wasn't long before I could again look to the future. And now that future is upon me, and the clarity of my spiritual purpose is beginning to come into focus. There is a bridge, another pin other than death, by which we can embrace the "pure radiance" of our individual and collective spiritual purpose. Recent circumstances have led me to believe that I am part of that bridge. Now begins the journey of identifying the specific purpose and path by which I can fulfill that purpose for myself and others.
And like my purpose of the past, I am certain that there will be many who touch and are touched in the process.
I'm excited for what the future holds.
As I will explain in more detail later, my family - parents, brothers and sisters - were the bearers of the deeper pain and self-doubt of previous generations. This pain and self-doubt can manifest itself in many negative forms of expression. As I began to see the root and history of these expressions and the crippling affect they had on us all - my vision became all too clear. Break the chain that binds me so the cycle doesn't continue in my children.
Now that our baby is thirteen years old, I am confident that this has been accomplished for our four children and my two older daughters (from my first marriage). And I am thankful to all those who played a part in bringing this process about - and there are many.
Unfortunately, due to let-downs in other areas of my life I failed to fully appreciate that success, and found myself in spiritual limbo - not having a clear vision of purpose. So I clung to the specific purpose every husband & father has - provide for my wife and family. Here to though I was often more aware of my failures than I was of my successes. Admittedly there were times that I felt I was hanging on by the thinnest of threads. And to this day I cannot say for certain what enabled me to endure and continue on. I just remember that I had to keep breathing, keep going, and not give up. It may seem humorous looking at it from the outside, but I recall relating so well to the Tom Hanks movie - Cast Away.
Steadily though things improved over the course of several years. And the restoration of my relationships with my two oldest daughters came to me like an oasis in the deepest desert, and new life returned to my withered soul.
And as the wounds of the past continued to heal it wasn't long before I could again look to the future. And now that future is upon me, and the clarity of my spiritual purpose is beginning to come into focus. There is a bridge, another pin other than death, by which we can embrace the "pure radiance" of our individual and collective spiritual purpose. Recent circumstances have led me to believe that I am part of that bridge. Now begins the journey of identifying the specific purpose and path by which I can fulfill that purpose for myself and others.
And like my purpose of the past, I am certain that there will be many who touch and are touched in the process.
I'm excited for what the future holds.
Friday, August 22, 2008
It's beginning . . .
"It is as if the world we perceive through our senses - that whole gorgeous and terrible pageant - were the breath-thin surface of a bubble, and everything else, inside and outside, is pure radiance. Both suffering and joy come then like a brief reflection, and death like a pin." - Stephen Mitchell
I believe I have discovered today that I am - another pin . . .
I believe I have discovered today that I am - another pin . . .
Saturday, August 16, 2008
All Electric?
I recently received an email from my daughter about EV's and thought I would respond to it here.
Thanks for the article. I too have considered this as an option for my 914, but decided against it for the same reason - lead acid batteries and their lack of efficiency. I was researching electric vehicles back in the early eighties when I was working for Sandia Nat'l Labs and came to the same conclusion then. Much hasn't changed in those 20 years except that other avenues have been introduced (lithium & nickel-metal-hydride), but they still remain out of reach for the average person seeking to do a conversion. Also, the electronic controllers needed to manage the discharge and recharge cycles, electrical distribution, etc, are also costly ($4000-5000 and up).
The other question I asked back then and still have not had answered to my satisfaction is this: What is the environmental and cultural impact of shifting all the energy use from individual internal combustion engines to a central electric generation facility? As demands for oil go down with the increase in demands for electricity we will find ourselves tied completely to local utility providers - some of whom are already struggling to meet demand. There's an old saying I learned in High School science class that has proven to be true - You cannot do just one thing!
Thoughts?
Thanks for the article. I too have considered this as an option for my 914, but decided against it for the same reason - lead acid batteries and their lack of efficiency. I was researching electric vehicles back in the early eighties when I was working for Sandia Nat'l Labs and came to the same conclusion then. Much hasn't changed in those 20 years except that other avenues have been introduced (lithium & nickel-metal-hydride), but they still remain out of reach for the average person seeking to do a conversion. Also, the electronic controllers needed to manage the discharge and recharge cycles, electrical distribution, etc, are also costly ($4000-5000 and up).
The other question I asked back then and still have not had answered to my satisfaction is this: What is the environmental and cultural impact of shifting all the energy use from individual internal combustion engines to a central electric generation facility? As demands for oil go down with the increase in demands for electricity we will find ourselves tied completely to local utility providers - some of whom are already struggling to meet demand. There's an old saying I learned in High School science class that has proven to be true - You cannot do just one thing!
Thoughts?
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Thoughts of Friends
I came across some pictures of my good friend - Hudson, and of course pretty - Bella, that I wanted to share. I sure miss them both, but especially my buddy Hudson.
I've found that horses are unique in the way humans relate to them, and they to us. Horses can't really be thought of, or approached, as pets. And yet I realize how they have drifted from being such a focal and essential part of our lives many years ago to being just that - pets?
You may not know it but Hudson and I had a somewhat rocky beginning. At one point he even kicked me in the upper thigh in frustration. But we became closest friends after that incident. He and Bella are both retired race horses, and although that might seem a cool at first thought, it's actually quite sad. Most race horses are not that well treated - by their owners or by the jockeys. We bought them both from a shelter for abused horses. Bella's back was so bad she couldn't even take a saddle without it causing pain. Thankfully we came a cross a very good vet/chiropractor for horses. It was amazing the difference it made.
Hudson was ridable, but only by the most experienced rider. He was poorly trained, if at all, and was very head strong. The first six-nine months we just spent spending time with them. We (Darla, Ashley, and I) would take them treats several days during the week, then again on weekends. We would clean their stalls, let them out to roam & run in the arena, groom them, and did I mention - give them treats.
I've never seen bigger "kids" than these two when it was treat time. They would ignore everything else and focus like an arrow to the bulls-eye. Their favorites were carrots, apples, and mint candies. They also liked most of the "horse treats" you can buy in 50lb bags.
All this time was necessary just to establish a relationship with the horse. Because horses are prey animals, not predators - as you might think, they function from a cautious and reactive posture. They actually make great mirrors of our (human) emotional states.
Once Jim, our border, relocated, we began the regiment of ground work necessary for their training. This, I believe, is what was missing before, and without the ground work everything else is questionable. This ground work was both enjoyable and frustrating. Enjoyable because I got to spend lots of time with them. Frustrating because I hadn't planned on training them before riding them.
During this training process you learn so much about the horse - and they learn about you. Hudson was so smart - almost too smart for his own good. Ashley aptly named him Hudson - the Momma's Boy. He came off as this big (which he was) tough guy - but was actually just a little kid.
And Bella is the sweetest thing - and she had the sweetest face to go with her personality. I noticed over time that Bella was especially cautious around men. I surmised it had to do with how she was treated and by whom. But I was able to overcome her fear with lots of love and patience.
I almost forgot that part of our ritual together in the arena was to let them eat the leaves off the mesquite trees that grew just outside the arena fence. I would even climb on the fence and pull down branches they couldn't reach. They sure seemed to enjoy that. I did too.
I love them and miss them both.
I've found that horses are unique in the way humans relate to them, and they to us. Horses can't really be thought of, or approached, as pets. And yet I realize how they have drifted from being such a focal and essential part of our lives many years ago to being just that - pets?
You may not know it but Hudson and I had a somewhat rocky beginning. At one point he even kicked me in the upper thigh in frustration. But we became closest friends after that incident. He and Bella are both retired race horses, and although that might seem a cool at first thought, it's actually quite sad. Most race horses are not that well treated - by their owners or by the jockeys. We bought them both from a shelter for abused horses. Bella's back was so bad she couldn't even take a saddle without it causing pain. Thankfully we came a cross a very good vet/chiropractor for horses. It was amazing the difference it made.
Hudson was ridable, but only by the most experienced rider. He was poorly trained, if at all, and was very head strong. The first six-nine months we just spent spending time with them. We (Darla, Ashley, and I) would take them treats several days during the week, then again on weekends. We would clean their stalls, let them out to roam & run in the arena, groom them, and did I mention - give them treats.
I've never seen bigger "kids" than these two when it was treat time. They would ignore everything else and focus like an arrow to the bulls-eye. Their favorites were carrots, apples, and mint candies. They also liked most of the "horse treats" you can buy in 50lb bags.
All this time was necessary just to establish a relationship with the horse. Because horses are prey animals, not predators - as you might think, they function from a cautious and reactive posture. They actually make great mirrors of our (human) emotional states.
Once Jim, our border, relocated, we began the regiment of ground work necessary for their training. This, I believe, is what was missing before, and without the ground work everything else is questionable. This ground work was both enjoyable and frustrating. Enjoyable because I got to spend lots of time with them. Frustrating because I hadn't planned on training them before riding them.
During this training process you learn so much about the horse - and they learn about you. Hudson was so smart - almost too smart for his own good. Ashley aptly named him Hudson - the Momma's Boy. He came off as this big (which he was) tough guy - but was actually just a little kid.
And Bella is the sweetest thing - and she had the sweetest face to go with her personality. I noticed over time that Bella was especially cautious around men. I surmised it had to do with how she was treated and by whom. But I was able to overcome her fear with lots of love and patience.
I almost forgot that part of our ritual together in the arena was to let them eat the leaves off the mesquite trees that grew just outside the arena fence. I would even climb on the fence and pull down branches they couldn't reach. They sure seemed to enjoy that. I did too.
I love them and miss them both.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Mechanics of Art
Nothing too exciting going on this weekend - just continuing to work on the project. I've been working on the intake manifold (described previously) removing flanges and grinding and reshaping. Still have a couple left to finish.
I spent this morning removing the casting/forging seams from the intake runners - the snake-like tubes on the intake manifold. These seams are produced by the mating of the two halves of the form dies used to make the part. They're not that noticeable or pronounced, but since I was going for a more refined look - it only made sense that I should take this extra step.
Here's an example of a before and after.
Something similar will be done to smooth out the inside of the runners to improve the air flow by a process called extrude honing. Attention to the outside is the form & attention to the inside is the function.
I spent this morning removing the casting/forging seams from the intake runners - the snake-like tubes on the intake manifold. These seams are produced by the mating of the two halves of the form dies used to make the part. They're not that noticeable or pronounced, but since I was going for a more refined look - it only made sense that I should take this extra step.
Here's an example of a before and after.
Something similar will be done to smooth out the inside of the runners to improve the air flow by a process called extrude honing. Attention to the outside is the form & attention to the inside is the function.
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