Settled in - at home in Benson, AZ

Greetings all,

Well after more than four months in a motel, the family and I are initially settled into our new home in Benson, AZ. Since my recent hiring on at Arizona Electric Power Cooperative in May, I was doing the preliminary house hunting and then having Darla come down to help choose the most desirable. The first house we found was a very nice manufactured home with a huge RV garage in addition to a two-car garage. Unfortunately it took the mortgage company a month to determine that the loan program we were using (USDA Rural) doesn't fund used manufactured homes, only new ones.

So we changed our criteria to only site-built homes on acreage. Fortunately it didn't take too long to find this one. It was built in late 2007, and finished in 2008. It's not the typical southwestern style, which was fine with us, we've had our share of constantly cracking stucco.




One of the real pluses is porches front & back. Front faces east, and back faces west. Since we're in a flood plain, the house was built elevated nearly 3.5 ft above the natural grade. This makes for some great views.






Since its elevated, the floors are built on joists with a crawl space underneath. They used an Australian Cypress hardwood throughout the house, with tile in the bathrooms. Never seen this type of flooring before, but it sure looks great.

That means all the vents are in the floor instead of the ceiling - much like it would be in a mid-western home. They also went to the trouble of insulating the garage and finishing it.

The house is located on just one acre, but that will be enough to manage a couple of horses. With open BLM range land about 1/2 mile east and the San Pedro river about the same to the west, there's plenty of open areas for riding. That's Ashley's plan anyway - should be doable.










Darla and the girls have been watching these home design shows on HGtv during our stay in the motel. So I see some accent wall colors and creative wall designs in our near future. We'll be sure to post the progress here as well.

Now I'm just waiting for my car and engine to show up. Ooops -I better get rid of some of these boxes in the garage.

Facing the Giant - Unemployment

My wife and I, and our three teenagers sat down together recently to watch "Facing the Giants." And even though our teens noticed the difference in the production level when compared to other movies they've seen, the message of the movie wasn't lost. In fact we found the "behind the Scenes" story of how the movie was made just as stirring.

As my wife and I prepared for bed that evening, my wife stated - "If only life could be that way." - referring to this movie and one we viewed earlier in the week named "Joshua".

Hearing that, some might conclude that my wife is out of touch with the "Christian" life. Quite the opposite. The context of that question involves the last several months where I have been out of work, collecting unemployment, and she is working a part-time job; both doing everything we can to keep things together while our three teens complete their school year.

I have applied for over one hundred jobs, mostly in the depressed area we currently live, but also in other adjoining states. The few responses I have received are primarily - "Thanks for applying, but". What's been even more frustrating is that the two interviews I did have, both of which went very well, didn't produce jobs because the positions were withdrawn due to economic reasons. So she has seen how diligently I have prepared my field - yet no rain.

So from that context her statement takes on deeper meaning, especially since the day prior we drove over six hours together to visit another area and I could interview for a another position. Again, the interview went well. So all we can do is wait patiently and see. And we did. I spent that Friday morning in the usual way - researching and applying for several jobs here and in adjoining states.

It wasn't until lunch time came, and my wife was overdue, that the call came. It was the company I interviewed with earlier in the week. They were calling to offer me the position. It was like I was standing on the stage of one of those games shows - having won the grand prize - because the offer just continued - "Wait, but there's more!"

After hanging up the phone, I was completely overwhelmed - even to tears. My wife finally arrived for lunch, seeing me in tears and fearing the worst, sat down next to me. I was so choked up, but managed to get out my response to the statement she had made the previous night - "Remember what you said last night? 'If only life could be that way.' Well, it is!"

Not only did they offer me the job, but the salary was ten thousand more than I was expecting. Not only did they offer me the job, but they were going to pay for all the moving expenses, including extra costs that might occur due to duplicate housing, selling and closing fees, etc.

Just your standard job offer? Not when you realize that my wife had her part-time job already approved for next year. We were expecting that I would just find an inexpensive room to live in at the new location and commute back home once or twice a month over the weekend. However, the ten thousand difference in pay will make up almost exactly what my wife was making. So now we can all move together, and stay together as a family.

And for that I thank God and all those involved with this movie for the refreshing and encouraging message I received - NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD!

Journal Entry - 9/4/2005

This morning provided an original thought in the quiet rest as my wife and I lay together - an original thought about God's purpose for Israel. I was thinking about my brother's position, in what I call, legalism, and how determined he is to honor God's written word. It occurred to me again that by focusing so much attention there, he seems to have missed the living word of God. The living word of his creation, of life, of all that is around us. I even imagined pointing to my brother and noting the living word of God in him. Yet where was the honor for that?

When our identity is crushed we seem incapable of honoring the living word of God's creation in us. It's from there, it occurred to me, the nation of Israel was in an opposite - yet equally extreme - position. Though they sought to claim their unique relationship with God at the exclusion of those around them, it was actually God's purpose to include the gentiles through Christ. It was never meant to be just about them. Nor were they the sole focus of his purpose. They were a part. They are what I have termed - the David before Goliath.

Let me explain.
Goliath was not merely a man - he was a giant among men; a warrior of warriors; the mightiest of men. Yet before him stands David; not a king, a shepherd - a young boy.
Now had Goliath been defeated by a man - another warrior - great would have been the claim of the nation he fought for. And the honor would fall upon the man and the nation.
But, defeat the mightiest of men with a young boy, and now the honor falls to the God behind the boy. It was all about revelation - God's revelation to all the peoples the nation of Israel encountered.

So now that brings to mind two questions for each of us:

1. What is God's pupose for me in this life?
2. Who around me is that purpose being fulfilled for?

Journal Entry - 4/16/2006

Many people look to the bible as the last and final word of God - but is it?

For me, the bible is the beginning, not the end. There is another word of God - more direct, more personal, more meaningful.
For many, I fear the bible has become the forest that can't be seen for the trees. So much focus is placed on fitting all the words together in order to see God in them, that we fail to recognize this might not be the only place to look.

When the nation of Israel was founded with Abraham, God's promise to him was that all nations of the world would be blessed through him. Yet at the time that Jesus Christ comes onto the seen, was that Israel's perspective? Not at all. They saw themselves as the chosen, separate, and special people of God - at the exclusion of all other peoples and nations. When in fact, God called them to be the chosen, separate, and special people of God for the inclusion of other peoples and nations.

I find the contrast in actual purpose and perceived purpose to most revealing. Especially consider how close the nation of Israel was to the word of God.

Yet today, I see many who do the very same thing - Christians and Jews alike, myself included. In fact, I suspect that anyone who has been indoctrinated by organized religion will be susceptible to the same error. An error only in that it limits one's spiritual growth - as it did Israel's. One reason, I believe, the Jewish leaders of Jesus' day were unable to accept him was because they were so focused on what they thought the scriptures told them to expect, they didn't allow room for a broader perspective or God's subtlety.

Yet that subtlety still exists today, and we're still missing it. Let's look at it this way. When God revealed himself to Abraham - what characterized that revelation? Was is not blessing, provision, and faithfulness?
What about King David? Wasn't God's revelation characterized mostly in love - a deep, intimate, and knowing love?
What about Job? Was it not a revelation characterized by God as creator of all life?
What of Moses? Faith and power.
What of Mary the mother of Jesus? Honor! She did not receive her revelation in a dream, but from the archangel Gabriel himself.
And Joseph's was different. His came in a dream and was characterized by faith and humility. Faith to trust in God's purpose and humility to take Mary, who was with child, as his wife - contrary to what the law required.

And the list goes on. The subtlety in all this is that God's revelation and relationship was unique for each person he sought and called.

So now each of us might consider. What characterizes God's revelation and relationship with me?

My response is - don't look in a book. Look in your heart and listen to your spirit.

Journal Entry - 2/17/2007

I am returning home after working in the Denver office of Toll Bros., assisting with their plot plans & some surveying. I was scheduled to fly back Friday evening but the flight was canceled, delaying my return home until this afternoon. It was this morning that my wife relayed to me the news about my father: the news of his serious stroke and minor heart attack. I had forgotten that nearly twenty years ago he had heart failure due to a faulty valve that was subsequently repaired. That clarifies his occasional expression of "living on borrowed time."

Now with him in the hospital in such a serious condition, I suddenly felt fortunate that I spoke with him on a couple of occasions recently. One of these occasions was to get some details of his life for a school report my daughter was doing. At the time I was a little irritated that she didn't feel like talking to him. Now, however, I'm thankful that I had the time to learn more about his past and his short military career as an aerial photographer. It was one of those blessings you don't see fully at the time, though I wish my daughter could have shared in the blessing too.

The time on the plane home gave me an opportunity to reflect on the positive relationship I have with my father, and the contributions he has made to my growth and success. Following is a letter I wrote on the plane, and hope to deliver to him.

Dear Father,
I want to take this opportunity to tell you that I love you. I also want to tell you why I love you.

In addition to being a father who provided for my needs as a child, you also gave me support and direction when I needed it most. I have looked at you as a friend as much as I have a father. Let me recount some examples.

As my father, you were my friend and protector, keeping me safe from dangers I was unaware of - even saving my life.
As my father, you were always a friend and accepted me while others rejected me. Acceptance that rooted me in self-confidence.
As my father, you were a friend by extending trust and respect to me as a young man. A trust I worked diligently to honor.
As my father, you were a friend and mentor, giving me wise direction when my future seemed uncertain. Direction that I was able to build a family and a future on.
As my father, you were a friend, giving support and understanding when my life was upside down, giving me the courage to try again.
As my father, you gave me a name. A name to honor and pass on.

When I see my father, I don't see his faults, his failures, or his limitations. I see the enthusiasm he puts into everything he does. An enthusiasm I am proud to say continues in me.

One final thing. As a father you gave me an appreciation for your day and age - for your generation, its music, its perspective, and its history. And especially, in the fast pace of my generation, an appreciation for the slower, consistent, and dependable pace of trains. I will never see, hear, or ride one without thinking fondly of you.

My father died a week later. I was unable to get this letter to him in time, but I am confident he knew how I felt. As it turned out my trip home for the funeral was on AmTrak. It wasn't originally planned that way, but the flight I had scheduled to arrive days before the funeral was canceled, and I was unable to get another using my available frequent-flyer miles.
Coincidence? I don't think so.

Journal Entry - 8/22/2008

It's beginning . . .

"It is as if the world we perceive through our senses - that whole gorgeous and terrible pageant - were the breath-thin surface of a bubble, and everything else, inside and outside, is pure radiance. Both suffering and joy come then like a brief reflection, and death like a pin."
Stephen Michell

I discovered today that I am - the other pin.

This awareness arrived on my doorstep today with significant impact, though I am certain it has been building for a very long time. I'm not even certain I can express what has transpired - the darkness and the light - yet I continue to see some synchronicity behind it.

Recently, over the last two weeks, we watched again a movie called The Celestine Prophecy, read the book of the same title, and read the companion book The Tenth Insight. Because the subject of these is spiritual awareness, my mind has been focused on my own spiritual path. I have felt lost spiritually, since I realized I had completed my previous purpose, and I wasn't certain that anything relating to my spiritual growth was in my future. Surprisingly it wasn't this movie or these books alone that served to trigger the recent awareness.

I had finished my work week on Friday morning, taking my turn on third shift for the construction project I was on, and I only slept a few hours after arriving home. I knew my wife was planning to bring us some lunch home after noon, so I decided to preview an "R" rated movie we rented entitled The Life Before Her Eyes. We watch very few movies with this rating, and prefer to preview them before allowing our teens to see them.

The background for this story is the violence of a high school shooting and the affect it had in the lives of two best-friends. But a more subtle, yet primary, element was the near-death experience of one of the two friends. The movie was very well done, and left me impacted emotionally.

I turned the TV off but left the DVD in the player, and decided to spend some time on the computer updating my blog page and responding to emails. I got distracted from the computer after printing out my signature which contains the quote by Stephen Mitchell, and needed to take a bathroom break. During that break I was rereading the quote and thinking about the pin and the purpose it served. At the same time I recalled the premise of love that was the basis for all the spiritual elements and insights from the Celestine Prophecy, and how horribly inadequate and lacking I felt of that key quality - though I've sought to understand and express it in my own life for decades.

Rather than return to the computer, the thought of whether there were any special features on the movie DVD came to mind. I often find these of interest. Seeing the forethought, intention, and effort behind these movies often gives me a greater appreciation for them. I reviewed the list of topics and chose one entitled Beyond and Back. It turned out to be narratives from individuals recalling their near-death experiences. One woman, whose voice was soft and sincere, seemed to affect me the most, and my eyes started to tear up. It wasn't until she described the - infinite unconditional love - that it struck me. I burst out crying uncontrollably.

Though I sensed that my tears were initiated by a lack of, and a deep longing for, that unconditional love, it was soon replaced by another sense. It was a powerful sense of awareness - God-like in nature - but it didn't relate to me in the third person. It related to me in the first person. It was as though God was telling me you don't know who you are, but he was impressing it upon me so that I sensed it as I don't know who I am.

In that moment the doubt and lacking I felt in regards to such love was erased. Though I am uncertain how it will find expression in my life - I know its there.

Also in that moment I realized that I was to be another pin - not the pin of death - by which the bubble is popped and we are able to bridge this life into the radiance surrounding us.

Another Pin

To clarify my meaning I must first share what I knew my purpose in life was up to this point in time. I came to the awareness of this specific purpose shortly after my second wife and I were married back in 1988. The process by which I became aware of it was subtle, synchronistic, and spiritual. This only makes sense since the specific purpose itself was spiritual in nature.

As I will explain in more detail later, my family - parents, brothers and sisters - were the bearers of the deeper pain and self-doubt of previous generations. This pain and self-doubt can manifest itself in many negative forms of expression. As I began to see the root and history of these expressions and the crippling affect they had on us all - my vision became all too clear. Break the chain that binds me so the cycle doesn't continue in my children.


Now that our baby is thirteen years old, I am confident that this has been accomplished for our four children and my two older daughters (from my first marriage). And I am thankful to all those who played a part in bringing this process about - and there are many.

Unfortunately, due to let-downs in other areas of my life I failed to fully appreciate that success, and found myself in spiritual limbo - not having a clear vision of purpose. So I clung to the specific purpose every husband & father has - provide for my wife and family. Here to though I was often more aware of my failures than I was of my successes. Admittedly there were times that I felt I was hanging on by the thinnest of threads. And to this day I cannot say for certain what enabled me to endure and continue on. I just remember that I had to keep breathing, keep going, and not give up. It may seem humorous looking at it from the outside, but I recall relating so well to the Tom Hanks movie - Cast Away.

Steadily though things improved over the course of several years. And the restoration of my relationships with my two oldest daughters came to me like an oasis in the deepest desert, and new life returned to my withered soul.

And as the wounds of the past continued to heal it wasn't long before I could again look to the future. And now that future is upon me, and the clarity of my spiritual purpose is beginning to come into focus. There is a bridge, another pin other than death, by which we can embrace the "pure radiance" of our individual and collective spiritual purpose. Recent circumstances have led me to believe that I am part of that bridge. Now begins the journey of identifying the specific purpose and path by which I can fulfill that purpose for myself and others.

And like my purpose of the past, I am certain that there will be many who touch and are touched in the process.

I'm excited for what the future holds.

It's beginning . . .

"It is as if the world we perceive through our senses - that whole gorgeous and terrible pageant - were the breath-thin surface of a bubble, and everything else, inside and outside, is pure radiance. Both suffering and joy come then like a brief reflection, and death like a pin." - Stephen Mitchell

I believe I have discovered today that I am - another pin . . .